Most distress and conflict arises out of unmet expectations. In other words, there is a gap between our expectations and our reality.
Sometimes this is easy to see. We thought our husband was going to fix the clogged drain and he didn’t. We thought we were going to have a peaceful evening out and our kids misbehaved. We had an expectation that not only wasn’t met, it also cost us in some way. To boil it down even further, we had to expend energy we weren’t planning on. We still can’t use the kitchen sink. We had to spend dinner playing referee and administering discipline rather than eating and relaxing.
Another way of looking at it is we had to bridge the gap ourselves when we expected someone else to do it for us.
When We Are the Problem
That’s easier to see when someone else is the one who didn’t hold up to our perceived expectations. It’s harder to realize when we are the problem. We assumed we were competent at our job, but we had a bad meeting where we struggled to explain our point. We thought we had a great girls night out, but now we are wondering if we talked too much. We felt we built intimacy on that walk with our new friend, but now we think we overshared or gossiped or said something foolish in a way that may haunt us later.
That’s still an unmet expectation. But instead of the other not being who we thought they were (a well behaved child, or a husband who fixes sinks), we are the ones who aren’t who we thought we were.
The Self Talk that Falls Short
All the self-help books and LinkedIn leadership gurus tell us that the fix for this is positive affirmations. Like Stuart Smalley on the old SNL skit, we should remind ourselves that we are good enough, smart enough, and dog gonnit, people like us.
We may be good enough and smart enough. And people may like us just fine. But the Bible reminds us that we are fallen. We are sinful, selfish, and without hope apart from Christ (Romans 3:10).
The Common Grace that Points to Truth
The message of the gospel is not that you are as bad as you could possibly be. I have been the recipient of some great kindnesses from people who do not believe that Jesus is God’s Son. They may not be seeking after God, but they are seeking to do good deeds on this earth (Romans 2:14). If they, as recipients of God’s common grace, can sometimes make the world a better place, then I, as one of God’s daughters, may occasionally get it right as well. But due to my own sin nature, I don’t naturally seek after God. I may try very hard to earn the favor of those around me. But only the Holy Spirit stirring in my heart can urge me to offer the sincere praise and service he deserves.
People will let us down. We will talk too much (or not enough). We will fumble and fall. No amount of positive affirmations will fix this. Only Christ can fully bridge the gap between our expectations and their unmet reality.
But not only do we put our hope in the wrong people, we are reaching for the wrong reality. God wants far more from us than a carefree life in this world, he wants to give us himself. He has a greater goal than nailing the work presentation and wowing your friends with your wit at Bunco night. He wants you to spend eternity with him, basking in a glory that is weightier than the best of earthly gifts. (2 Corinthians 4:16–18)
It’s frightening to stand at the edge of a cliff. We feel vulnerable and small. It’s also frightening to see our own shortcomings. But as upsetting as these things are, they are also gifts. The gap shows us our need, and reminds us to trust in the only One worth trusting.
This is the first in a series of posts exploring the relationship between expectations, emotions, our bodies, and the gospel.
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