When I was a young mom, I went through a season when I was convinced I had somehow gotten God’s will wrong. You see, I had a brief season where I was around people who seemed to be making their daily decisions based on impressions, as if God was telling them when to go to the grocery store.
My oldest was an infant, and I was overwhelmed by how unsafe the world suddenly felt. And now even the simplest errand felt like an all-day project. In other words, did I dread going to the store because it involved lugging my quite heavy son and his car seat (and the groceries) up and down the stairs to our small apartment, or was this a message that something horrible would happen if I left the house?
And then there was the reason I was in that upstairs apartment in the first place. We had left our beloved church, friends, and entire support system for my husband’s new job in a strange town. I was alone in a depressing apartment with an infant. My husband’s new job required very long hours.
The Christian radio I was listening to wasn’t much help, sadly. I remember distinctly hearing a teacher discuss how if you didn’t pray enough before a decision, you could be outside of God’s will. You could “get ahead of God.”
I was sick with regret. Had we somehow gotten ahead of God? Was moving a mistake? How could we possibly fix this awful misunderstanding?
Sometimes Hard Doesn’t Mean Wrong
I realize now how absurd this all is. If a young family in the Midwest can mess up God’s entire plan for their life by accepting a job in a new city, God wouldn’t be sovereign, or even very powerful. I was tired and homesick. Four years before that, I had been a college student who had just met a really nice guy at her church. Now that nice guy and I were married with a child. I was what I would now consider a “baby pharmacist,” still learning the ropes. It was bound to feel hard. It would have been more strange if I didn’t feel out of sorts.
And the teaching I was hearing? It was bunk. God is sovereign. He is not wringing his hands at our decisions, wondering how he can possibly fulfill his divine purpose through us. Verses like Acts 17:26 and Romans 8:28–30 assure us that he is fully in control. God did design the world so that we can feel the consequences of our choices, especially sinful ones. And part of the human imagination is the ability to consider what could have been if we had taken a different path.
Finding God’s will isn’t the point of this particular post, although that was an important lesson for that time. But the other thing I needed was for someone to remind me that the last four years had been a lot. Even good changes are stressful. And it was normal to feel, as we say around here, worn slick.
I wasn’t outside of God’s will, I was tired. I wasn’t feeling off because I had made the wrong choice. I was feeling off because I was human.
When You’re Worn Slick
I have been in a bit of a funk the last month or so. I wasn’t worried that I had somehow “gotten ahead of God” in my choices, but I felt like I was wading through quicksand. Then I thought about the last six months: a new job for me. An emergency surgery. My husband’s retirement. I was, once again, worn slick.
And then I go back to the last decade, which has also brought a lot of changes. Children leaving the nest. Children getting married. Grandchildren. Parenting young adults who are navigating new adult problems. Health issues. Caring for aging parents. It’s kind of a lot.
I realize if you ask anyone which is the most difficult season of life, everyone will likely say it’s the one they are in right now. But the last time I recall this many big changes happening one on top of the other is my early twenties. I am hopefully wiser and smarter. I have a better understanding of God’s sovereignty, as limited as my human mind is in that regard. But I am living all those things in an older body.
I am incredibly blessed. But I am still very much that same young girl who realized at age twenty-five that we are all making it up as we go. God is always with us, and he knows how the story ends. But he also knows that we are dust, and he is our ever-present help. Even in those times when we are feeling worn slick.
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