When it comes to perimenopause and menopause, I think it’s the intensity of the mood swings that catch us most off guard. We hear about the hot flashes and the night sweats. We are familiar with the irritability and mood swings from PMS. But I don’t think many of us are prepared for the level of perimenopause anger that occurs.
As good Christian girls, we also know that we aren’t supposed to be this way. The anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God, after all (James 1:20). We also know that only a fool gives full vent to his anger, while a wise person holds it in check (Proverbs 29:11). And you are also probably familiar with the illustration, based on Mark 7:20-23, that “what comes out of us when shaken” displays our true heart. That’s a lovely thing to contemplate if you’ve just lost your cool because your teenager slammed the door too hard.
After the anger passes, I don’t think we should just decide we are sinful, repent, and move on. Okay, we have to repent. But I don’t think we should just brush it all under the rug. Our rage does reveal what is going on in our hearts, and even though we probably need to repent for the response, we can also learn from it to determine if there is something we need to deal with.
The Hard Conversations We Avoid
I am the queen of avoiding hard conversations. Which why when I did lose my cool, it was unsettling and convicting. So much for the gentle and quiet spirit. But Scripture does lay out times when it is appropriate and good to clear the air with those who have wronged us.
We hear about turning the other cheek, and assume that means that good Christians need to constantly bite their tongues. But turning the other cheek means not to resort to acts of retaliation. Scripture discusses the processes for resolving conflict. In Matthew 18, we are told to go to our brother (or sister) in private and discuss the matter. It then lays out next steps if the matter is not resolved. In Acts 22:25, Paul appealed to his rights as a Roman citizen for a trial. So if something is bothering us, there is a way to go to that person, quietly and gently, to discuss—and hopefully resolve—the matter.
I believe the difficult conversations are the biggest culprit in our rage. We swallow our disappointment, frustration, and anger because we think it’s the godlier thing to do. Or, because it feels like the easy way out in the moment, and that is so much less risky. Serious conflicts may require a counselor or third party. But for most of us, it’s just a matter of being honest with ourselves and those around us. And that brings true, lasting peace, not just a false, surface placidity.
The Importance of Planning Ahead
Nothing makes a stressful situation more stressful than unnecessary chaos. How many of us have lost our cool because we’re rushing to get out the door, and your child can’t find his shoes? Surely it’s not just me. Or, maybe you’re the problem because you can’t find your keys (that would be me again).
I will spare you the lecture about planning ahead, laying out clothes, and packing lunches the night before. You know what to do. And if you don’t, there are eleventy-billion apps and websites that will show you how. But it might be time to have a firm talk with the “today you” in order to make the day better for “tomorrow you.” And tomorrow you will thank you. Trust me on this. (And would it be weird to mention I covered a lot of this ground in my book?)
Setting Realistic Expectations
I don’t care how nifty and color-coded your calendar is, an unrealistic schedule is an unrealistic schedule. Some of us become the biggest optimists alive when it comes to estimating how quickly we can drive somewhere or get ready. If you are constantly finding yourself overbooked, start paring down your commitments as soon as you can. If you can’t figure out where the time is going, do a time study. Maybe it really takes you 30 minutes to get ready instead of fifteen. Maybe the drive to work is only 20 minutes if you don’t count the time to fill your travel mug with coffee (and maybe find your car keys).
Moving Forward with Faith
Regardless of what the issue is, all of them probably require some level of “hard conversation,” even if the hard conversation is just with yourself. The physical changes of perimenopause do make our nervous systems more excitable. But our excitable nervous systems may force us to face truths that we had been all too happy to ignore. Use this new understanding as a gift and a chance to grow in wisdom. Because that is what a true gentle and quiet spirit really is.
Interested in the physical causes of hormonal anger? I discuss it in this post.
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