This Wasn’t Part of the Plan
Even from my haze of exhaustion, I knew what it meant when my doctor looked up at the nurse and drew a “C” in the air with his finger. After 24 hours of labor, and 2 hours of pushing, I was going to have a surgical birth.
I was probably more prepared than most women, especially as the day wore on. My labor so far had mirrored that of my older sister, and she had also required a c-section. I was pushing, and the baby wasn’t dropping. And since I had been awake for 40 hours at that point, I was too tired to protest. I think I was relieved that it was almost over.
So when my nine-pound-plus son entered the world, healthy, screaming, and blinking in bewilderment, I smiled through the anesthesia-induced nausea as my husband, parents, and mother-in-law fussed and and cooed.
The Weight of Uninformed Opinions
Two days later, my wise and experienced obstetrician gave me a warning before I left the hospital. He explained that the c-section was necessary, and that a vaginal birth would have been traumatic and dangerous for my son and me. He then added, “Don’t let anybody give you any trouble about having a c-section. This was the best choice for you and your baby.”
Even with his words of wisdom, I was still blindsided when someone looked at me and said, “I guess some of us are meant to have babies and some of us aren’t.” Or another person who said, “They tried to do a c-section with me, but I stood my ground. I wasn’t about to let a doctor push me around like that.” So not only was I a failure as a woman, but a doormat as well.
Whether you are a first time mom or a seasoned one, the postpartum period is fraught with emotion. You love your baby, but you’re exhausted. You’re excited for the new life, yet mourning the fact that the previous life, that you also loved, has changed forever. I don’t think any childbirth recovery is easy, and vaginal birth recovery has complications I haven’t experienced, but caring for a newborn while recovering from c-section is not for the faint of heart.
When you pile on that inward guilt or outward judgment, there is another layer of emotion to contend with.
What Happens During a C-section
There are many reasons for c-sections. In my case, my babies would not fit through my pelvis (cephalopelvic disproportion). Sometimes, the baby or the mother is in distress and the baby needs to come out fast.
My children were born about a decade after the c-section rate peaked, and criticisms then were especially strong. The morning talked shows mused that c-sections were the result of lazy doctors wanting to avoid protracted labor.
While I suppose that can be the case, c-sections are live-saving operations. Any person who makes a pronouncement on another’s c-section without a) reviewing medical records and b) having a medical background to interpret them correctly is meeting the biblical definition of a fool (Proverbs 18:13).
Physical Recovery: Stewarding Your Body with Grace
There also seems to be a need for false heroism among women in any medical context. But the stories of the women who went out and chopped wood after a delivery really are myths. Women in the past were allowed (and expected) to stay in bed for several days after the birth of the baby. Any woman who went out and chopped wood put herself in great risk of a hemorrhage, and the same is true today.
Restrictions after surgery are not suggestions for women more fragile than you. They are sound medical advice designed to reduce your risk of future complications. Some complications may be inevitable, but you certainly reduce the risk by following the directions you are given.
Emotional Recovery: When Guilt Creeps In
The obstetrician who delivered my son had been at it awhile, so he knew the things people might say to me. But not everyone gets that reassurance. And my son’s birth was nearly 30 years ago, well before the advent of social media with the professional photos of glowing moms in ruffled gowns. I didn’t see my friends’ birth photos unless they handed me a physical photograph. I am not sure how I would have handled the comparisons we see today.
The truth of it is, things in the world don’t work as they should. Your friend’s birth story might be one of empowerment and candlelight, while yours might be one of operating rooms and oxygen masks. You may not even have been conscious when your child entered the world. You may question if you made the right decisions. Or, if it was an emergency situation, if those in control made the right decisions.
Along with the real disappointment is the guilt that you should be more thankful. Many women would give anything for a chance at pregnancy and an imperfect birth story. But it’s possible to feel immense gratitude for the good while acknowledging disappointment.
I don’t have a pat answer that will erase your doubts and regrets, but I can assure you that your childbirth method does not determine your worth. Your worth rests in God’s love for you, and your child. The God who “knows the end from the beginning” was not surprised by your birth story, or the outcome. He is in control.
Healing Through the Lens of Scripture
You are not a failure if you have a c-section. You are a recipient of the common grace of modern medical care. You may have not gotten to hold your baby in the delivery room, or gotten skin to skin contact right away, but just as God is able to restore the years that the locust has eaten, he is able to redeem those lost moments—or days—when your child first entered the world. Your disappointment is valid, and it’s okay to acknowledge that. But even when we grieve the realities of the broken world, we don’t grieve as those who have no hope.
And if this has turned into something you can’t seem to get past, seek counseling. Post-partum depression and anxiety are real. You may need more help than just time and rest. And that’s okay, too.
You Are Not Less Than
Social media is great at showing us the carefully curated moments of everyone’s life. But life is not always beautiful and photo-ready. Every child that grows in the womb is a precious life made in the image of God, and that is what we celebrate.
There will be a time when this birth story is just another story of your life with your child. First words, first steps, and first grandchildren will be added to your memories and your photo album. By that time there may be another young mom who needs to hear this truth. Your child is a blessing, and so is your story. Trust God to use it as he will.
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Yes! Thank you!
My oldest was born by emergency C-section because I was having seizures. When the seizures didn’t stop after her birth, I was transferred to a larger hospital for several days, while she was left behind at the hospital where she was born. I remember very little of those days (a side effect of the seizures), and I don’t know whether I protested. This birth story led to some intense depression. Now, two years later, God has healed much of my grief. I have a close bond with that baby, who is now a beautiful, precocious toddler. This blog was very comforting to the part of my heart that still grieves those first few days, the memories I missed because I was absent or because my brain never stored them. One other thing that was comforting was a comment from a friend who pointed out all the ways my love for my daughter shone through my story: the fact that I cared more about being away from her than I did about my own health and that seeing her for the first time was one of the few memories of those days that I actually have. It is good to mourn the suffering that comes from living in a fallen world, but it is also good to remember God’s faithfulness and trust that all things work for good.
Thank you for sharing that! I am so glad to hear that you and your daughter are doing so well. And what a wonderful perspective your friend gave you!
I had my baby 37 years ago via C-section after his heart rate dropped – he was in distress. I was thankful to have a healthy baby, but like you, people said the most unkind things. Oh, that I had had a wise obstetrician as you! Because the feelings of failure still linger I’m sorry to admit!
Those hurtful comments do linger. Blessings to you, Deborah.
48 & 46 years ago when c-sections were very rare my precious girls were born. A tiny hospital in a small town, this Pastor’s wife was so ready to have a baby and be in church the next Sunday like all the other mothers.
48 hrs of labor, a hospital with no c-section accommodations or room in surgery for a husband, I was told the baby and I were in crisis and have no memory until I woke up later. God spared us both!
Oh the ladies that told me everything I had done wrong, how my baby would be damaged as they gave me drugs and how I missed the birth experience, etc. They weren’t trying to be cruel, but how it hurt. Even the words from the Doctor “Failure to progress” stuck in my brain.
What a sweet post that touches this grandma’s heart. Thank you!
I’m glad it helped you! Thanks for reading and commenting. I do think people mostly mean well.