Anyone who has had to endure a hard season has had this happen. It could be a scary medical diagnosis, broken marriage, job loss, or wayward child. It’s an encounter with a person appearing to offer comfort and support—who may even THINK they’re offering comfort and support—who is really trying to find the source of the problem.
Did you ever smoke?
It’s been a hard marriage from the start, hasn’t it?
They never really took their faith seriously, did they?
These questions don’t always have a sinister edge. Sometimes they’re the natural rhythms of conversation. But more often than not, the asker is trying to quell their own fear. They want to find the mistake that will allow them to relax. They want to tell themselves it won’t ever happen to them.
But diseases, broken marriages, and spiritual rebellion rarely arise from one root cause. The more we learn about what causes disease, the more we realize that it is a laundry list of small things, both genetic and environmental, that cause the cancer cell to survive and divide. The warring couple might have once been compatible and happy, but years of small hurts gradually piled up. And the angry teen might have once been the rosy child happily singing praise songs to Jesus.
Not everything about this is wrong. God did design a world of cause and effect. We can’t prevent every disease, but we can do a lot to make it less likely. And the Bible gives plenty of advice on marriage and parenting, which shows that our actions do matter.
But as upsetting as it is for those on the receiving end to realize they are being used as someone’s “what not to do,” these exchanges also aren’t good for the ones doing the asking. Because our desire to find the cause of someone’s sorrow means we are trying to assign blame. It is putting our faith in our actions, not in the God who walks with us and sustains.
Each generation has to learn the same lessons afresh. We each set out so optimistically. We are going to correct the mistakes of the generation before. We are going to have better theology, better marriages, better parenting, and better health choices. Surely that will be enough to keep the bad things from our door. But we spend so much time shoring up the bricks to our fortresses, we don’t realize our foundation is sand.
You don’t get to my age without feeling the weight of your mistakes. I also see how much God redeemed those for my eventual good. And the hard things that did occur—more often than not—came out of nowhere. My security does not come from my ability to make the right choices, but from the God who knows the end from the beginning.
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I can’t fully articulate it all yet, but this spoke to me so much. I just found yur blog through Challies. SO many major tyrials in my life have led to scenarios as you describe here, and worst is when I do it to myself because I am prone to believing I am to blame. Thank you for this truth. I need to re-read this regularly!
Thank you for taking the time to comment, Lizzy! We have all been in both sides of this from time to time. I’m glad you found me!