When Good Gifts Stir Fear Instead of Gratitude
Last week, two opportunities I had been praying for opened up for me. One was something that had been in the works for a few weeks. The other arose suddenly and was finalized in less than 24 hours.
Once the shock wore off, my main emotion was anxiety. It is of course well known that even good changes are stressful. And one of the changes is especially bittersweet since it means setting down something I have truly loved. But it was more than that. And it was more than the normal fears that these two new things wouldn’t work out or be right for me. It was a very real fear that something else would go wrong. I was, as we say, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
It would be like if someone handed me a beautiful piece of jewelry, and instead of expressing thanks for the gift, I set it aside and started worrying what I would do if a sinkhole opened up and swallowed my house. There is no particular reason to think that is a real and present danger, but sinkholes do occur. And it certainly would have no connection with someone giving me a gift of jewelry. But somewhere in my mind I had adopted the belief that not having certain desires can ensure my safety from bad things.
This is, of course, absurd. And a blog post is not the place to untangle all the disordered thinking surrounding this, but at its root I am doubting the goodness of God.
The False Security of Control and Bargaining
There are principles that we can generally rely on. One of them is the idea that hard work pays off. This is mostly true. If you study hard for a test, you are more likely to do well. If you are a prompt and industrious employee, you will likely get a good review.
We are instructed to do these things. We are to live a quiet life and work hard. We are to maintain a good reputation among those we interact with. But anyone who has lived in the world knows that there is not always a straight line between effort and outcome. Sometimes we simply fall short. We misunderstand the requirements or lack the necessary skills. We are put underneath unscrupulous people who thwart our best efforts.
It feels random when we are living it, but we know that nothing comes to us that God does not ordain. Sometimes he has a reason we can clearly see. Sometimes we never understand his purpose. But Scripture promises that all things will work together for our good and his glory. We can trust him.
And yet, I want the good gifts without the good God. I try to bargain. I will put up with the struggle in one area of my life as long as my family is safe. I will surrender one treasure as long as I can have my idols of security and control.
Trusting the Giver More Than the Gift
God gives good gifts to his children. We are already recipients of his mercy and grace. He may require the surrender of all my earthly treasures. Or, he may preserve them for the rest of my days. I need to receive the good gifts with gladness. I need to trust his plan, knowing that he will be with me regardless of the outcome.
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