When I stopped blogging ten years ago, the Internet was in the middle of a controversy. And now another controversy recently popped up. This shouldn’t surprise anyone, since the Internet is always in the middle of a controversy. What’s ironic, though, is that many of the same people are involved. I won’t say “the details don’t matter,” since the details matter quite a bit to the people being treated unfairly. The details don’t happen to matter to this discussion.
This also happens in real life, of course. I can think of several sad and stressful incidents in the family, church, and the workplace. The Bible gives us specific ways to handle private conflicts (Matthew 18:15-17). And there were times in the early church when a public sin required a public rebuke (2 Timothy 4:14-15, Philippians 4:2-3). It’s futile to think we can avoid conflict. We do need to be prepared when it does occur.
Any time I’ve been involved in a conflict that has gone off the rails (and many times it’s been my fault things went off the rails), they seem to share these traits.
We assign motives
Rather than owning our hurt, we assume the other person means us harm. We decide the person who gently suggests a decision might not be in our best interests “doesn’t want to see us succeed.” The person who sees obvious pitfalls in our brilliant plan “is being negative.”
I could have avoided so much pain if I would have listened to some of these well-intentioned advisors. And I’ve witnessed lost friendships that could have been preserved if people would have chosen to believe the best. Instead, they assigned ill motives when the other was truly trying tell the truth in love.
We get personal
In my observation, this happens more to women, although I’m sure someone could point out a time it happened to a man. And notice that I did not say “between women” but “to women.” Rather than engaging with the ideas expressed, it becomes about physical attributes like her appearance or voice. I don’t know why this happens. I suspect it’s because it’s hard to admit the person’s argument has merit, so we will just discuss whether she is aging well, instead.
We ignore it
Most of us really don’t like to confront people. I certainly don’t. There are so many ways it can go wrong (see points one and two). I tell myself I am being the bigger person, only to realize the situation has slowly (or quickly) gotten worse. So rather than a small problem that could have been easily fixed, I’m dealing with an even bigger mess (with even more conflict).
Yes, we are to turn the other cheek (i.e., not retaliate). But Paul also defended himself when someone violated his rights or said false things about him (Acts 16:37). In the end, though, he depended on God to right the wrongs.
I guess that is where I will leave it. Situations like this make me angry and sad. And weary. I am thankful for fresh grace.
