You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures. James 4:2b-3
I am at the age when reflecting on my adult life gives me decades of material. I’ve come a long way, and God has answered lots of prayers.
As for the present day, I’m blessed with good health. My energy level has remained fairly stable (though one could argue that I wasn’t particularly energetic at baseline).
And yet.
I’m still not particularly satisfied.
Tim Keller used to talk about “deeper idols.” For example, many people desire wealth, but they have different reasons for doing so. Some people want power. Some people want admiration. Some people want security. Me? I want control.
More specifically, I want control of my time.
I am no longer bound by the demands of caring for growing children. I have a great job and I work from home. But I am frustrated because in 40 minutes I will have to walk into my home office and start my day job. And for the next 8 hours, my time will not be my own.
If you would have told 25-year-old me that this was my future, I would not have believed my good fortune.
My desire for control used to show up in my tendency to procrastinate. I spent my college years waiting until the last possible minute to begin studying, only to wind up even more stressed and frantic when it came time for the test. When the kids were young, I often stayed up way too late to soak up the only time the house was quiet. Then I would spend the next day tired and irritable.
I won’t say I’ve conquered that, but I have gotten better. Even the most headstrong among us can learn from our mistakes. So while the mail might not be piling up and I am getting myself to bed at a decent hour, I’m just a well-rested version of the old me with less clutter to distract me as I grumble.
Everything I have comes from the hand of a good God. Most of these things—like my job and my house with a home office—are things I specifically prayed for. The problem was not in the asking. The problem was believing these things would satisfy.
I pray more boldly then ever these days. I have seen God work in what seemed to be impossible situations, and there is no shortage of requests. And I still pray for my circumstances, but I try to pray with loosened hands. Only God knows if the things I’m requesting will be good for me.
What I am trying to remember is that temporal things only bring temporal happiness. The only true peace comes from treasuring Christ above all. I don’t think I will ever grasp that this side of eternity, but I’ll keep you posted.
