The Dangers of Bad Counsel: Lessons from A Well-Trained Wife

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As I was reading the memoir A Well-Trained Wife, I was saddened by the times the author sought advice and was either dismissed or given terrible counsel. It’s tempting to believe that we would do better. Unfortunately, the foolish counsel offered to Levings is no different that mistakes we all can make when others seek us out for help. I pray that I have never turned away someone in the harrowing situation Levings was in, but I have made many mistakes, and they all share some similarities.

Speaking without knowing the full story

The driving force here is pride (isn’t it always?), but I think some of it comes from a sincere desire to help. This person is asking for your advice, so you feel obligated to say something. Proverbs 18:13 states, “To answer before listening—that is folly and shame.”

When someone comes to us, our first goal should be to fully understand their problem. Sometimes we may not have a good answer. It is better to not have an answer than to offer a foolish or harmful one. Jobs friends were fine when they just sat with him (Job 2:13). It wasn’t until they started talking that they got themselves into trouble.

Giving guarantees

I love a good life hack as much as the next girl. And sometimes that’s appropriate. If someone asks you the best way to get an oil stain out of their clothes, knock yourself out (and let me know in the comments). But sometimes problems can’t be fixed that easily. If someone is struggling in their relationships, we especially need to proceed with caution.

Not that it’s never good to offer practical advice, it just needs to come with humility. “Here’s what worked for me,” rather than, “here is what will fix your problem.” Giving a method with a guarantee attached suggests the only problem is something they’re doing. It’s usually not that simple (see my first point).

It’s fine to promise someone their floors with have a mirror shine if they use the cleaner you recommend. But please don’t promise them a happy marriage or believing children if they just follow your steps. Not even Scripture guarantees us that, so why do we think we can?

Offering advice rather than help

This is precisely the thing Scripture warns us about in James 2:15-16: “Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to them, “Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it?”

It’s easy to offer advice from on high (or on your blog). It’s more costly to offer practical help. If someone is going through a hard season, they may need a babysitter more than marriage advice. If someone is overwhelmed with life, take them a meal or help them clean their house.

Yes, it’s messy. It means I have to get involved. It is going to take some time. But it is what we are called to do in the body of Christ.

Forgetting to point to Jesus

When someone comes to us, it means they’re hurting. They know something in their life isn’t right—and they are correct. Whatever the issue, the root cause is the same: the world is broken. And the only solution to a broken world is Jesus.

Our work is thwarted by thorns and thistles, both literally and figuratively (Genesis 3:18). We sin against others, and others sin against us (Romans 3:23). It’s not wrong to be discouraged by these things, but we can’t manage our way out of the world’s brokenness. We can repent when we sin against others. We can lovingly hold others accountable when they sin against us.

All this is possible only because of Jesus. He died and rose again to redeem us. He is coming again to fully restore us and our broken world. This is the full story of our problem. This is a guarantee only he can keep. This is the help we need.